Old Update

So I've been having a pretty interesting couple of weeks, which has kept me from blogging for a little bit. I'm not really sure if these weeks have been good or bad. I've been filled with a lot of frustration and upset, but in some respects I think that's good. (I've handled things relatively well which I'm kind of proud of.) I've also had some fun adventures as of late. One in particular really stands out in my mind, my adventure to the mega church in Orange county. Jessica, Jacob and I all drove out to Saddleback Church, the mega church in Orange county last weekend. Saddleback church is the mega church where McCain and Obama made their first appearance together in public. It has over 2,000 people attend services each Sunday and being at this place is like being at the Disneyland of Jesus. (Seriously a tram took us from our parking structure to where the main service was.) The whole experience was absolutely fascinating. (Especially the part where Jacob pretended to be searching for religion and got the designated conversion representative to try and convert us.) I had a really good time, even though getting back got a little dodgy with some of the freeways being closed due to the fires. We have now nicknamed ourselves "the god squad" and are thinking about venturing to other religious places. :)

Bright Eyes

I bought a Bright Eyes album off of Itunes today and am listening to it as I type this. I bought it because I remember having a text message convo with my friend Jenny quite a while ago where she told me that she listed to a song by Bright Eyes when she was depressed. I miss Jenny a lot today. She's in an inpatient facility now which I know is the best place for her, but it means that I don't get to see or talk to her anymore and that makes me really sad sometimes. I had so many motherly instincts for her, or rather "big sisterly" instincts. I've obviously never been the big sister but that's how I felt with her. She made me feel needed and somehow older and wise. I empathized with her a lot and I miss her now that I don't see her anymore. So I'm listening to what I think is the album she was refering to and trying to get myself motivated for the rest of the day. I'm feeling an overwhelming lack of motivation lately. I won't go into it since I really feel no desire to post an overly emo blog, but it does worry me a little bit. I'm incredibly disappointed that the meeting didn't make me feel as good last night as it has in the past. I liked it of course, but I didn't quite get that feeling of peace that usually settles over me after I leave. In the past when I've been really down the meeting has really been the only thing I've looked forward to. Well I still look forward to it. Too bad I'll be missing it next week for Josef's birthday. I'm excited about that though. I'll get to meet his friends and his cousins and stuff.
Last night I went to Shabbat with Sarah (I hope I spelled that right). It was really interesting. I liked it a lot and it made me feel closer to her. I love the fact that they sing the prayers in hebrew. It sounds so beautiful and the prayers themselves seem so poetic (I was reading the english translations during the service). It's really moving. Afterwards they served dinner which was amazingly good and had a real family feel to it. I liked it a lot and if she doesn't mind I may go back with her another time. I hope the group doesn't mind having a completely non-religious, non-jewish person there. Sarah didn't seem to.

Procrastination is a wonderful thing

I finally spoke to Alicia on the phone today! Woot! Alicia is my friend from group who I really feel like I have a lot in common with. I've wanted to become better friends with her for a long time but haven't really done anything about it. Today, when I was having what she calls a "minor melt down" I actually called her and we talked for a bit. I was really proud of myself and it seemed very pro-recovery (especially considering I've been doing so badly the last few days). I'm really starting to get concerned because I've been feeling myself spiralling down again lately. Fortunately I can at least identify it now. I had a really good talk with my mom about it the other day and she's got me calling my doctors on monday and has agreed to go with me to visit them. I was telling her that I thought I might want to do a more intensive program over the upcoming winter break, which I think kind of freaked her out a bit since she didn't seem all that down for it, but I think it might be a good idea. Anyway, not I am sitting back at my computer freating a little bit less and putting off working on my spanish paper that is due tomorrow morning. I really should get that shit done.