I forgot to buy Shampoo today :(

Chev came to visit this weekend. It was absolutely awesome seeing her again. Sometimes I forget that it's possible to enjoy myself the way I use to. We watched an absolutely amazing (and I mean amazing in the sense that it was so horrible it had to be appreciated) horror movie staring Snoop Dogg. It required much more contemplation than I care to admit. We got two hours of sleep and then left to the airport at 4:30 in the morning. It reminded me of last year making late night trips to LAX and listening to JT on the radio (of course this time there was no JT, but there certainly was some Brittany and that was good enough). I think for the first time in my life I didn't get lost either going or coming. It was a miracle.
I was really glad that Chev got to be here for the showing of my latest dance in my contemporary choreographers class. Seeing the look on Laurie's face when I re-entered the stage completely naked almost made me burst out laughing. I tried my best not to smile. I think I failed though. The evening was made even better by the fact that Mark then proceeded to perform the single ladies dance from Beyonce's music video. He's gotten amazingly good at it.
Today I feel a bit better than I have been feeling. I managed to make it all the way through a ballet class yesterday. It felt pretty good. I had the startling, and I suppose rather obvious, thought on my drive home yesterday that the actual perpous of my ballet class is to learn. I therefore probably shouldn't beat myself up as much as I do when I don't get the combinations right. I'm there to learn them.
I went to an early morning meeting today and even though I felt a bit uncomfortable and the woman who was suppose to meet me there didn't show up, it was still time well spent. I bought flowers and cards for my last day of outpatient (today) and I'm now sitting on the computer enjoying some music and reading up on the best translated books of 2009.

Sundays full of driving and cigarretes

I went out to Santa Monica to visit some friends yesterday. It was a little nerve wracking (partly because I backed in a car while lost looking for their house). I got to spend a good amount of time with a former roommate of mine which was really nice. We went out to lunch and walked around down town. She seems to be doing really well and she told me all about her new boyfriend. Of course we got lost trying to find where I'd parked my car and I was kinda stressed by the massive amounts of traffic and people, but the time we spent together was fulfilling. Picking her up from her apartment I got the chance to see a few more of my old friends who I've missed desperately since returning to California. It was really nice to see them again even if it was for only a minute. When I dropped Alyssa (my former roomie) back home I was able to sit with my good friend Su for a bit outside. We chatted and caught up which filled me with such a bittersweet happiness. I really miss her a lot and it was wonderful to see her even if it was only for 15 minutes or so. She told me seeing me there was like suddenly coming home for her, which almost made me want to cry. The whole reunion was bittersweet. I was so glad to see everyone and spend time with them, however it was a stressful day and the time went by way to fast. I wish I'd been able to spend more quality time with everyone else. I miss the closeness we once had. I'm glad I now know where they live at least. Maybe I can go back for a second visit sometime.

Naked dancing

I'm having so much fun in my contemporary choreographers class down at Pomona. I didn't really expect to, but I'm really enjoying it now that Mark is working with us. The other day we spent half the class trying to replicate Beyonce's single ladies choreography. Nothing could have made me happier. We are also currently working on a dance that deals with metamorphises. The dance is hilarious and eventually we (the dancers) start to become progressively less and less clothed as the dance goes on. I'm going to be the dancer who is totally nude. :) We rehearsed it yesterday and it was hilarious. Tom wore my bra to do his section too. I'm glad that with everything else going on, there is something really fun and exciting happening.

Balk by Speechwriters LLC

This song seems to be really summing things up for me at the moment.
Balk:

the first chord's the favorite of everyone indeed
it rings of possibilities, of all the things you thought a song could be
of all your hopes and dreams
la dee dee dee dee dee

the next chord it dissapoints, it dissapoints like me
it heads in a direction, and it stifles other opportunities
of what the song could mean
la dee dee dee dee dee

and now i'm calling you, and it's a sunday, and i'm feeling like a whore
and now i'm telling you, things i've told you, about a thousand times before

the first time i kissed you we heard different things for sure
i thought it was a lovesong yeah, but a short one yeah, well you were hearing more
we both heard different chords
we're different that's for sure

and now i'm calling you, and it's a sunday, and i'm feeling like a whore
and now i'm telling you, things i've told you, about a thousand times before
well it's the last time that i'll hurt you i scream, at the top of my lungs

what the hell has happened to the way things used to be
when freedom meant much more than living harnessed gracefully
and i could tell you that i loved you and believe it faithfully,
dee dee dee dee

and now i'm calling you, and it's a sunday, and i'm feeling like a whore
and now i'm telling you, things i've told you, about a thousand times before
well it's the last time that i'll hurt you i scream, at the top of my lungs

New things?

I've been wanting to post again for some time now, but I haven't been entirely sure what to write about. For the most part I think things are going well. I'm having to drop some things which is unfortunate, but I think it's good that I realized that once again I managed to overload myself. (I just seem to do that naturally, idk how.) So I'll have to learn to play the piano another time. For now my is going to be divided between classes, work, choreographing, recovery stuff and possibly having some sort of social life. When listed all in order like that it seems like I'm doing a lot anyway. Go figure. I've been calling my girl in Florida a lot and going to a lot of meetings lately. I went to a meeting called the Jelly Bean meeting. I always wondered why it was called that, and now I know. They actually do give out Jelly Beans. Nice! I had a really big accomplishment yesterday as well. Then of course I freaked out and had to wake Casey up in the middle of the night, but I still did it. Now I'm off to baby-sit for one of the professors in the music department. I guess I'll have to give more of an update later.

Brace Face

So I got braces on Monday. They are heavy duty metal things that are currently a bit painful but apparently they are going to keep my teeth from eventually breaking (due to their bad alignment) so I'm happy about that. I have to admit though, I feel pretty dorky wearing braces in my 20s. It's not something I'm particularly happy about, but it is what it is I guess. The orthodontists seem pretty excited about me. Apparently my mouth is some sort of special case they had to go to a conference to learn how to fix. They're anxious to try all kinds of new things on me and see how they work. Dr. Brown even called my house the other day just to see how I was doing. So I guess the good news is I get really specialized treatment. Go me.
I've got 45 days behavior free today. Unfortunately 45 days of eating normally isn't really enough to get my system totally adjusted to digesting things normally. That means I still get pretty sick sometimes, like today for example. I'm going home with my Mom to eat lunch because if I end up not being able to digest lunch I kind of don't want to be in the dinning hall when it happens. Talk about embarrassing.
One of my dancers dropped out of the dance I'm choreographing for Fast Forward this year. It's unfortunate because I really like her dancing and wanted her to be in the piece, but I'm kind of excited about going to the auditions on Friday and having people audition for me (instead of the other way around). It will be kind of a fun change.
I had my first piano class ever on Monday. It was a little intimidating but I'm excited about it. Now I just have to find the time to practice. :)

Missing Wickenburg

Last night I dreamt I was in treatment again. I was arguing with the house mom that I needed to be allowed to use the phone so I could tell my parents that I was being released the next day. I got so tired of that kind of crap when I was actually there. Towards the end of my stay I started becoming so indignant. Like, what the fuck do you mean I can't make a damn cup of tea whenever I want to? Ok, so you gave me back my cellphone...if it's off, why the hell can't I carry it with me into the great room? It's lonely being away from there though. Now that I'm back home, especially now that I'm back in the dorms, it's kind of surprising to have to make my own schedule. I miss waking up in the morning and knowing that I had to be ready by a certain time. It was nice to know that there was something I didn't want to miss taking place soon, even if it did mean I had to be in the van by 6:30am. Of course what I really miss isn't early morning meetings or cowboys or how cold it was. (Yes there were real cowboys. There were cowboys everywhere and they all wore cowboy hats and boots and owned horses. They also drove giant trucks. It was weird for me at first. Hell it was still kinda weird by the time I left. We were an hour away from the nearest Target. It was really like a whole nother world.) What I miss the most is the people. It was nice to constantly be surrounded by supportive people who understood what I was going through. It's weird to realize I can't just step out of my room and go bag on Casey and Alana's door. I especially miss Su. I'm glad she is coming out to Santa Monica. I feel kind of the way I did when everyone graduated last year. It was weird to suddenly realize that I could just wander back to the dorms and go complain about how inadequate I felt in Spanish Class. Of course I love my friends at home, and I love being in school. I'm happy to be back and though my classes may be tough this semester they are all things that I really enjoy. It's just a strange, different feeling. I suppose I didn't expect this shift in the way I feel to actually take place.
For a snap shot of what Wickenburg was like: We made our own stockings for Christmas and managed to convince the staff to let us all go on a "walk" to the dollar store, regardless of our level. We then raced down to the dollar store in the rain and completely raided it of all it's small little trinkets to stuff each others stockings with. We ended up needing to make even more stockings because we bought so much shit. We all got lots of lighters and things like silly puddy. I've never been so excited or grateful for small little gifts. Plus I cooked mash potatoes for an entire group of twelve people on Christmas day. Boo yea.